My (not so) toxic trait is that I do not shut up about therapy. I can be four “Serena Chilliams” deep at Rocco's on a Sunday afternoon, and I will find a way to bring up my therapist.
Them: “Are we too old to be day drinking? Lexi Miller is here, and she’s like 12.”
Me: My therapist said…
Them: ”Do you think Ross will text me? He technically has until tonight, but if he wanted to, he would.”
Me: My therapist said…
Them: “Wait, I think that’s Jenna’s sister’s boyfriend's ex talking to the guy in the Siegelman Stable hat. Do I have to say hi?”
Me: My therapist said…
Ok, you get the vibes. Basically, any piece of advice I’ve given you over the last year is a version of the advice I’ve received from my therapist. Working with her has completely changed my perspective on, well, everything, to the point where I feel an obligation to share my newfound wisdom with the world (I’m a huge fan of “anti-gatekeeping,” if you couldn’t tell).
In the same way “hurt people hurt people,” I believe happy people strive to make others happy — if I can help somebody even one percent of the amount she has helped me, then all of the challenges that have led me here really do feel worth it. So pop your Lexapro (shoutout 10 MG girls, lol) and clutch your Stanley Cup because you’re about to see things through a whole different lens.
P.S. My monthly therapy bill probably costs more than a Mini Kelly, so you’re welcome.
My venmo is amyrosner1 <3
There are no mistakes, just learning.
Everything in life is an opportunity to grow. Rather than labeling a negative experience as a “mistake,” view it as a chance to learn and do better. No need to beat yourself up — move forward with this acquired wisdom in mind.
You need to be the change agent.
People don’t change without you changing first. If you are unhappy with how somebody is acting, ask yourself what you can do differently to elicit a different response. Although it might feel unfair at times, we can only control what we can control.
Ex: Your boyfriend does not receive criticism well. Keeping this in mind, make sure to use “I feel…” versus “you always…” to mitigate his defensiveness. The goal is not to bite your tongue, but rather to frame your concerns in a way that will be easier for him to digest.
The universe always provides.
I rolled my eyes when I first heard this, but it really is so true. Have faith that the world always has your back — even and especially when it doesn’t feel like it. There is no such thing as coincidences. The world will give you little “gifts” when you least expect it. Trust that what is meant to be will not pass you by.
Everybody takes 50-50 responsibility, metaphorically, that is.
Not gonna lie, I wanted to punch my therapist in the face when she first taught me this. In every situation, nobody is entirely innocent. It always takes two to tango. Even if they are 95% in the wrong, it is important for you to take ownership of the 5% that you inevitably contributed. In any situation, ask yourself, in what ways did I participate?
Ex: You are in a toxic friend group where everybody talks shit about everybody. If you choose to participate, you are part of the problem.
If there isn’t a 100 percent likelihood of something happening, it’s a fear-based thought.
It is essential to challenge your catastrophic “what if” thoughts. Some techniques include…
1. Ask self, “Is there a possibility that this thought could be irrational or illogical?”
2. If not…ask self, “On a scale of 0-100, what is the proof that my fear is likely to happen?” The proof needs to be 100 percent.
3. Think about AND write down every logical reason why your fear thought probably isn’t true.
4. Replace your negative fear thought with a positive one: “She’s never going to forgive me” with “We’ve been best friends for years, and we’re just going through a rough patch. Real friends don’t abandon each other.”
5. Remind yourself about the hardships that you have already gotten through and tell yourself, “If I was able to get through that, then I can get through anything that comes my way.”
Standing up for self is never about the other person.
Do NOT defend yourself with the hopes of somebody changing (you will be disappointed). Stand up for self because it is proof that YOU are worth being stood up for.
Everybody’s version of 100% looks different.
This was (is) definitely the most difficult pill for me to swallow. Everybody is capable of giving different things — your version of 20% may be somebody else’s version of 100%. If they are giving you their 100% (AKA, all they know how to give to anybody in their life), then you need to decide if you want to keep them in your life or not. If you choose to do so, it is imperative for you to accept this reality, or else you will constantly be let down. If they aren’t giving you all they are capable of giving, toss ‘em.
It’s trying that matters, not the actual execution.
Trying something is an automatic success. Not trying something is an automatic failure. Contrary to popular belief, the outcome is irrelevant in the measurement of success.
You have to be willing to lose in order to win.
Every successful relationship is rooted in the ability to compromise. Nobody gets exactly what they want — both parties need to give something up in order to have a healthy relationship. Compromise is the true victory, not getting your way.
It’s all about readiness.
Change can only happen when you are truly ready. If you continue to fall for the “wrong” guys, it’s because you aren’t ready to find Mr. Right.
It all comes back to reputation.
We are responsible for what we create, but we are also responsible for changing the way in which we are perceived. In order to truly change your reputation, you need to make changes over and over and over again. For the person on the receiving end, it takes the brain a long time to actually process these changes and internalize them as newly formed habits.
Ex: If you are seen as the spoiled child, it takes more than doing the dishes twice to change how your parents see you. If you do the dishes every day for two months, your parents will begin to see you in a new light, which allows you to “escape” your reputation.
Loving properly means without judgment or conditions.
Unconditional love means accepting the people we love just as they come. No ifs, ands or buts.
Love asks for nothing, but gives everything.
Unconditional love means giving everything without expecting anything in return.
Your perfect person is waiting for YOU.
We tend to frame dating in a way that positions the other person as a prize. YOU are the prize! In the same way that you are waiting to find that special somebody, they are waiting to find you. But be prepared that you’ll have to weed out a bunch of losers before you find the one. Behind every guy is another one right behind him!
You are the exception, not the rule.
I lied. This is the concept I grapple with the most, but arguably the most important. The majority of people in this world are not nearly as thoughtful, loyal or empathetic as you are. Yes, this kinda sucks, BUT it is critical in helping you manage expectations. When somebody doesn’t treat you right, it is always a reflection of them, not you. Depersonalization is the key to not letting other people’s actions crush your self-esteem. Being “good” can be very lonely….
You never marry your best sex.
Self-explanatory lol.
Wait, should I give up this whole CEO thing and become a therapist? *books emergency session*
.png)
COMMENTS