If he wears Zegnas to the bar and has no work friends? It's a no from @murrayhillboy.

POV: You’re deathly hungover and dragging yourself down to the Windsor Court lobby — The Tipton of Murray Hill — to pick up your tomato and cream cheese bagel from Apollo. Just as you're about to meet your Uber Eats driver, you lock eyes with a 5'6 guy in a ZBT sweatshirt and eyebrows so close together that they're basically in a long-term relationship. 

Fuck. That’s Jack Levine — the guy you made out with last night at Beyond The Pale. You remembered him being at least two inches taller and could have sworn he said he wasn’t “into the whole frat thing.”

“How are we?” he asks in the thickest Long Island accent you’ve ever heard. Didn’t he say he was from Tenafly? 

You freeze. Do you say hi? Do you run? Do you pretend you have no recollection of last night’s events? Then it hits you: What would Max Cohen do?

Max Cohen — better known as @murrayhillboy — is your go-to influencer for navigating the chaos of post-college life and dating in your twenties.

With over 200,000 followers across Instagram and TikTok (and now expanding his reign to YouTube and Facebook!), Max’s deeply unhinged yet painfully accurate sketches have helped people discern what’s a red flag… and what might just be beige.

A proud member of both the Jewish and LGBTQ+ communities, Max uses humor to unpack the highs and horrors of modern romance, blending authenticity and satire in a way that makes you laugh — and immediately double-text your therapist.

So, in the spirit of clarity (and chutzpah), here are Max’s official red flags for dating Jack Levine, Jared Moskowitz or Tyler Berman.

Red Flag #1

If his parents pay his rent completely in full. Look, most people get some kind of help from their parents — whether it’s partial rent, groceries or that one random Venmo for “laundry.” But having zero financial responsibility? That’s a red flag.

If he’s in the master bedroom and his parents are footing the entire bill? Run. Fast. We need a “my family owns a large house in Roslyn” kind of money. Not “my parents are in the Mafia” kind of money. 

Green Flag? Whoever’s in the flex room. That person knows how to compromise, how to make sacrifices — and yes, I'm doing this interview as someone who used to live in a flex bedroom. 

Red Flag #2

If he wears $850 designer shoes to the bar — I’m sorry, no. You cannot take yourself that seriously and also be chugging vodka sodas in a basement. If my friends show up to the bar in Zegnas, I want to cry. No Zegnas at the bar. Nope. 

Red Flag #3

If he still wears his frat apparel on a regular basis. It’s fine if you’re hungover in your apartment or grabbing bagels at 9 a.m. before the general public is out. But if he’s out here constantly repping his AEPi sweatshirt like it's his personality? We’re done. I can’t.

Red Flag #4

If his entire Instagram is just large group photos with his frat. I’m not saying he needs to be an influencer or post thirst traps — but if it’s just 15 dudes in Vegas over and over again, we get it. 

Green flag: no social media presence. Every guy I know who isn’t active on socials? Very respectful to women. The ones who obsess over their feed? Horrible.

And no comment on how much I care about Instagram. You should honestly name this article "red flags from a walking red flag." 

Red Flag #5

Really short or dry responses over text. Immediate red flag. Texting is a two-way street — we should both be keeping the convo going. If he’s replying once every 24 hours with “lol” or “yeah,” throw the whole man out.

Green flag: someone who doesn’t take texting too seriously. I don’t need perfect punctuation, and abbreviations are more than encouraged. But in reality, it’s a lose-lose out here. If he sends a Google Calendar invite for your first date? Creepy. If he ghosts you? Asshole. Pick your poison. 

Red Flag #6

If he’s a serial dater. If he hasn’t been single for more than a month since age 15, that’s terrifying. Can you not be alone for five minutes? Do you even know yourself outside of a relationship? People like that never grow. 

Red Flag #7

If he calls his mom a lot — fine. But if he’s calling her all the time, run. There’s a difference between loving your mom and using her as your emotional crutch. Be your own person. We’re too old for full-time mama’s boys. You can be close with your mom — just don’t make her your lifeline.

Red Flag #8

On the flip side — if he’s rude or dismissive toward his parents? Disgusting. Instant dealbreaker. Respect for parents is hot. And waiters, too. 

Red Flag #9

If he claims he’s a “good guy” because he has a sister. Give me a break. Having a sister doesn’t make you a feminist. People with brothers can be amazing or terrible — same goes for people with sisters. Don’t let them fool you with that line.

Red Flag #10

No work friends? That’s sketchy. You don’t need to be best friends with your coworkers, but if you can’t name a single person you’d grab lunch with? Either you’re a nightmare to work with, you take your job way too seriously, or not seriously at all.

Having a group of friends at work is a green flag — it shows you have a high EQ and are probably decent at your job.

Red Flag #11

If he has too many female friends. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. You can have one or two — a family friend since the womb, a work wife, whatever. But if he has multiple female friends he regularly texts or hangs out with? I can’t do it. 

Red Flag #12

A heavy reliance on ChatGPT. Obviously, it’s fine to use it for work or research. But if you’re using AI to make every decision — like where to go to dinner tonight — I may as well be dating ChatGPT. 

Red Flag #13

He has to at least tolerate sushi. Like, I’m flexible — but if you’re out here gagging at the sight of a spicy tuna roll, it’s going to be a tough road.

That said… beggars can’t be choosers. And that’s coming from someone who’s been single since Fall 2022.