Things more intimate than sex (yes, this is safe for work).

Sex? Cute. But have you ever shared a toothbrush or a Google Calendar? Erotic. 

Let’s be honest: the real freaky stuff isn’t happening in bed (most of the time) – it’s happening when someone watches you parallel park without making a single comment, knows your La Cabra order by heart and the darkest depths of your Notes app… even the unhinged breakup text you drafted to your ex.

True intimacy is unsexy, raw and borderline psychotic. It’s letting someone hear your bowel movements without the sink on. It’s trusting them to manscape your eyebrows with tweezers and questionable judgment. It’s handing over the aux and letting them *cook* without skipping that 8-minute remix that makes you want to jump out the window.

So if you're out here thinking sex is the ultimate bond… think again. Here is an X-rated list of the things that are arguably more intimate than sex.

1. Taking a nap next to each other and waking up… still liking them.

 Peak vulnerability. No makeup, full drool.

2. Letting them see how you talk to your dog in a slightly deranged baby voice.

There’s no turning back once you’ve seen this side of me.

3. Tucking in their tag without saying anything.

Physical touch meets quiet thoughtfulness. Dangerously hot.

4. Sitting on the couch in silence together and being perfectly comfortable.

That’s intimacy for the emotionally fluent.

5. Spending a day doing nothing together and loving it.

Recharging your social batteries together? That’s sexy. 

6. Removing their ingrown hair.

Spiritual surgery for the spiritually bonded.

7. Ugly crying together to a Disney movie while huddling under one blanket.

Pure emotional nudity.

8. Letting them see your raw, unfiltered camera roll.

You’ve now witnessed a mole pic, a side profile close-up and 346 drafts of the same selfie.

9. Sitting on the same side of the booth at dinner. 

Gross to outsiders, sacred to us.

10. Cooking eggs in the morning and serving them in bed – without being asked.

Take my hand in marriage.

11. Using the same bath towel like it’s not a crime.  

This goes without saying. No unpacking necessary. 

12. Letting them pop your back zit.

If that’s not love, Shakespeare was a liar.

13. Doing their skincare for them.

Nothing says “I want to be inside your soul” like patting toner onto their face.

14. FaceTiming while walking around CVS for 40 minutes aimlessly.

Love is silly like that.

15. Taking care of each other when sick.

You’ve seen some disturbing shit. But you’re still into it.

16. Using their laptop and seeing their Google search history.

Expose my soul, why don’t you.

17. Helping them draft a text that says “no worries at all!” when they are, in fact, filled with worry and/or rage.  

This is emotional ghostwriting. Comms support = true love.

18. Hating the same people.

Our bond is forged in pettiness and it’s beautiful.

19. Witnessing them have a full-blown fight with their family and not flinching.

I’ve seen it all. You warrior, you.