I have battled chronic illness for nearly a decade. What started out as late-stage Lyme Disease has since evolved into severe mold illness, toxic poisoning and a multitude of parasitic infections. After quitting my job in January due to the physical and mental toll my illness was taking on me, I decided I was no longer going to accept this life as my reality. My dad always taught me that change doesn’t chase after you, you need to chase after change.
So, that is exactly what I did.
I spent the entirety of last summer undergoing intensive Intravenous Therapy. For nearly four months (approx. 121 days, but who's counting?), my days consisted of going back and forth from my house to the Gedroic Medical Institute. With the exception of treatment, I never once left the confines of my home. I can count on one hand the amount of times I actually came in contact with the sun.
While the uncontrollable vomiting, labor-like stomach pains and throbbing headaches were far from enjoyable, the mere act of putting myself first is by far my biggest accomplishment to date. 16 rounds of blood infusions, ozone therapy, colon hydrotherapy, osteopathic manipulation and ultraviolet radiation may seem like the opposite of a universal experience on the surface, but the power of investing in self is as human as it gets.
Keep reading for why not leaving my couch for a full summer was my greatest life choice and why you should try it too — metaphorically, that is.
Reclaiming my worth
By far my biggest takeaway from this process was that I am worthy — worthy of prioritizing self, worthy of feeling good and, most importantly, worthy of being happy. It sounds so simple, but honoring yourself and acknowledging the immense value you bring to this world are critical acts of self-care we often neglect to do. Regardless of what the outside world may have told you, we all deserve to heal and we all deserve to prosper. Make sure everything you do promotes this idea — if you don't appreciate your own worth, then who will?
Owning my strength
What I endured this summer was no easy feat. It is not narcissistic to recognize that others would not have had the emotional wherewithal to undergo such pain and commitment. Celebrating your wins is not bragging — it's the utmost form of self-respect. Every ounce of my being may have felt weak, but I am the furthest thing. Mental toughness is cool as fuck, and not only acknowledging but celebrating that strength is even cooler. Sorry, not sorry.
Health is wealth
If you told me this a year ago, I would have rolled my eyes and thought, “Wealth is wearing a Birkin to go to the DMV, NOT having strong vitals.” I laugh now at how naive I was. Until your liver is fighting for its life as toxins seep out of your blood, you don’t realize that the most powerful form of currency is always your health. If you are fortunate enough to have that, you're practically Jeff Bezos — no matter how many zeroes there are in your bank account. Remember to express gratitude when feeling healthy.
The superficial stuff just doesn’t matter
And that leads me to my next point. As somebody who has always placed enormous value on the finer things in life, this summer finally made me realize all the “stuff” is simply irrelevant. Is there anything wrong with splurging on a $150 dollar potato at Caviar Kaspia and treating yourself to that new Miu Miu bag you’ve been eying for months? Absolutely not. It is only problematic when you hold tangible things to such a high standard that you rely on them to fill you up. Spoiler alert: overindulging just leaves you feeling more empty.
Who gives a fuck about "Euro Summer"
Ever since I can remember, I have always despised summer. The immense pressure to have plans, the toxic Instagram posts, and don’t even get me started on needing to be in a bikini 24/7. For the first time in my life, I didn’t have a single ounce of FOMO seeing everybody on their daybeds in St. Tropez and pouring Titos down their throats at Surf Lodge. I was binging Grey's Anatomy in my bed for 120 days straight, and I would trade McDreamy for post-Mirage McDonald's any day. TLDR: how you spend your summer carries absolutely zero weight. TLDR #2: Social media always looks better than the real thing.
Slowing down is good for the soul
My toxic personality trait is that I am, or was, addicted to plans. Pre-detox, my weeks consisted of back-to-back plans, be it dinners at the hottest new restaurants, drinks with the girls or galavanting across town to overrated bars and clubs. While I still love to go and do, this summer forced me to take a long-overdue pause and embrace stillness. The thing I once feared the most — doing nothing — is now the thing I crave the most. Give yourself permission to slow down and just be.
… and so is not caring how you look
As somebody with low self-esteem and crippling body image issues, the idea of not dressing up was practically a foreign concept. Four months of wearing sweatshirts from 8th grade, letting my hair grow out dark brown and curly (IYKYK lol) and never once applying an ounce of concealer or mascara was without a doubt the most freeing part of my entire summer. While fashion will forever be a core part of my identity, it is comforting to know that if all of that went away, I would be ok. There is no such thing as looking "ugly" and not caring about your appearance is, ironically, the most attractive thing.
I am nothing without my mom
I would not have survived this summer without my mom, and it’s not because she drove two hours there and back to my treatments, cooked me gluten-free, dairy-free, sugar-free, non-GMO meals three times a day or reminded me to take my 30+ pills every single morning. My mom’s support was felt the most in the quieter moments — canceling her plans to watch Kardashian marathons, sending funny TikToks and memes to make me laugh and making sure I always started my day off right with cuddles from her and, obviously, our toy poodle. Never take your loved ones for granted. It literally doesn't matter how many friends you have — no matter how old you are, you always need your mom. I love and appreciate you so much, Mommy. I am who I am because of you <3
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