When you’re 17, “cool” is determined by what car you drive or what college you are going to in the fall (bonus points if it’s Michigan or Wisconsin). When you’re 20, cool is determined by the size of your friend group or being in a sorority that mixes with top-tier frats — although there is a solid argument for guys who are shorter than you in heels being "top tier." But that’s its own separate article.
When you’re 22, “cool” is determined by what Murray Hill apartment you live in (shoutout Windsor Court) or where you are day drinking in the West Village. When you’re 24, “cool” is determined by whether you spend the summer in the Hamptons or post a picture of an extra dirty martini and shoestring fries. I think this goes without being said, but OBVIOUSLY, sans location tag.
When you turn 25, many believe the term “coolness” becomes entirely irrelevant.
As you embark on your 25th year, there is no question that the “you do you” mentality comes into full swing. At an extremely subconscious level, we begin to place a decreased emphasis on the social norms that underpin the traditional construct of “coolness.” No longer imprisoned to what society arbitrarily deems worthy or not, there is a certain level of freedom that comes with experiencing a quarter-life “crisis.”
I, for one, see it as a revolution.
And yes, while all of the above is true, coolness is nowhere near obsolete. It is the measurements by which we define coolness that have drastically transformed. A friend introduced me to this quote by artist Sage Adams a while back, and I've been obsessed ever since.
“To me, cool means living for more than the next moment. Cool doesn’t mean having the latest Dior, knowing people, being on the list, and sitting at Lucien. Cool means you are your authentic self. Cool means you walk the walk. Cool means being a good fucking person. Cool means when you are alone, you can stand to be with yourself. Cool means listening when others speak; cool means holding doors open and smiling. Cool is compassion, understanding, love, and boundaries. Cool is being good.”
The above encapsulates the essence of my thesis — coolness does and SHOULD still exist. It just means something entirely different. Instead of being quantified by factors like what brand of bag you are wearing or where you go to dinner on Friday night, coolness becomes synonymous with character.
Who you are at your core — kindhearted, empathetic, loyal, well-intentioned, authentic, the list goes on — is the sole barometer of coolness. And yet, I am amazed each and every day at how many people 25+ still conform to an outdated framework that has, and NEVER has, held any true weight.
So, for all of you out there who still define one’s value by their ranking in a non-existent social hierarchy, I’m here to get you with the program. If you are a repeated offender of any of the below, you need to get fucking fluent.
1
Saying “let’s grab lunch” and never mean it. If you have ZERO interest in actually (re) connecting with this person, please save your breath.
2
Responding with “I’ll keep you posted” when somebody asks you for plans. Unless you have a legitimate reason, this screams, “I don’t really want to hang out with you.”
3
Which leads us perfectly into number three. Half-ass committing to plans in the hopes of a better plan coming along. This is literally SO lame and honestly embarrassing. Is going to Houston Hall really the “better” plan?
4
Having no intention of canceling plans until the other person asks, “Are we still on?” Totally no biggie if you need to raincheck, but not following up (with an alternate date in mind!) is just bad form.
5
Only reaching out when you need something. Given the nature of what I do for work, I’ve been here more times than you can count. I’m going to say this loud and clear: WE SEE YOU.
6
Not hyping up important people in your life. If you literally never compliment your friend before a night out, you’re radiating insecurity. Why wouldn’t you want to give your friend a confidence boost? Isn’t that what friends are for?
7
Being there for the bad, but failing to show up for the good. It’s a (relatively) easy lift to be a shoulder to cry on, but a disappointingly small percentage of people know how to actually celebrate other people’s wins — no matter how big or small. These are the people who are genuinely happy for you when you succeed.
8
Surprisingly, some don’t even demonstrate genuine support when their people need them the most. Saying “how are you” ONCE to a good friend who is really going through it, simply doesn’t cut it. Congrats, you checked “being a good friend” off your bucket list!
9
Giving tough love, but not knowing when to stop. I’m a firm believer in your friends challenging you to be the best version of yourself. But, if they’re pushing back a little too hard, they’re likely not happy with themselves and projecting that onto you. Real friendship leads with compassion, not judgment.
10
Saying “I told you” when proven wrong. Unless it’s something really silly (i.e., you didn’t think there would be a long wait at Felix), emphasizing the fact that you were right and they were wrong is literally so unproductive. If a friend is upset that Jordan L. did, in fact, ghost her, it’s irrelevant that you saw this coming from a mile away.
For those still preoccupied with being “cool,” I’ve cracked the code for you. Just be a quality person. I promise it goes a long way.
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